Summer Bodies: VPR S5 E1 Recap

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My favorite group of starving artists are back and better than ever! It looks like we’re in for a shit show this season.

James Kennedy is a joke. We begin with a clip of him spinning on nonexistent turn tables at Pump.

Sandoval is legit sporting the “I fuck black guys” pixie cut with Justine Skye inspired purple streaks sprinkled throughout…. purple streaks. As if he didn’t look gender neutral enough. I can’t.

5:55 minutes into the episode and we get full imagery of Lalas would be porn; title and all. “In Lala land”, very clever. Is her real name Lauren? I’m about to stop respecting that Lala bull shit because, nahhh.

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I’m still not convinced these people are actually employed at this restaurant. They’re either gossiping, fist fighting, or cursing each other out. And even management if they decide to try and put a stop to it, no big deal.

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Flashback to: “Diana!! Suck a dick. You do not own this restaurant leave, suck a dick” those words will forever ring in my ears, and Kristins aggressive forehead vein is forever etched into my brain. Thank you Koo Koo Kristin thank you.

It’s really annoying that Brittney is working there now. Like extremely annoying…everyone and their significant other cannot work there, Lisa put your foot down.

Get it Kristin step up that man ladder and you’re tits look phenomenal in that green top. “No fake engagement ring we’re trying to convince ppl your not a psycho” LOL – Stassi oh Stassi, she is just royalty. She’s so smart, so funny, so quick, SO GORGEOUS, so real. Her confessionals are always accurate and the funniest AND I love that 9/10 she’s already said those one-liners to the persons face. It makes the dig even better. Ok I’m done jerking her off.

Cut to Kristin….and Britney….idk weird. Weird. Weird. Appararently Kristen ate her out one night and Jax walked in. Idk I’m instantly compelled not to believe it because it’s coming out of Jax’s mouth but I mean cmon it’s Kristen I’m sure she’s gotten a few pussies wet.

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Tom thinks Jax is unreasonably mad, “Whole lot of fucks over a little cunnilingus.” thanks for the sound bite Sandovol. Is he wearing a wig? Once again I can not.

The chatty patty’s tell Lisa about the “Kentuky fried muffin” munching because of course whenever you find your friend going down on your gf your first thought is, ‘let me tell my boss!’.

Jax is 10 years old motioning and acting out the sex scene in the middle of the OK! Magazine annual extravaganza. And by extravaganza I mean that shit looks weaker and wacker every year but it’s a classic way to open the season so whatever. Don’t ever change VPR, xoxo.

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“Ew Grody”. “Kunnalingus Kristen”. Grey suede strapless dress. It’s too early to state this but I think Arianna is winning me back over. Last season she was the biggest asshole, subdued, arrogant, un funny, a real piece of shit but I don’t think that was really her. Her first season I definitely liked her. And aside from the “taking comedy seriously” bomb drop, I do like her dry sense of humor, she’s smart, and beautiful. So I mean I can’t knock that; I’m a sucker for a pretty face and quick wit.

Stassi looks good, but I hate the dress choice. Why is Jax asking her advice on the Britney situation? Is he even halfway self-aware?

“James and I roll as a pair” – Lauren says as they roll up to the table like street fighters. Stassi lets them know this is probably not Y’ALLS (with that N.O. accent shinning through, I see you girl) table and that they’re not welcome there. James follows that up by swiping the, idek what that is but it’s inexpensive, vodka bottle and pours himself a drink. Then “compliments” everyone/tells Katie she’s a blob. Scheana’s talking shit back which I’m all for but when did she start hating them so much, or is that just the entry fee for sitting at the cool kids table?

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Katies perplexed by the whole scenario, as am I. Lala throws out “I can see everyone hasn’t been working on their summer bodies” which I laugh at every time, don’t fuckin care it was funny and so left field. James follows that with an, “omg are you pregnant” to Katie and I could bash his fucking skull in. I would karate chop that fucker right in the middle of that butt chin IF HE FUCKING EVER. You disgusting mutant mole rat.

Scheana smacks his drink and he cries “you ruined my yeezys!” Omfg. Everyones telling him to walk away and he does a jacking off motion with his drink, pours vodka and cranberry everywhere, I mean it’s a scene. Someone needs to choke slam this likkle wanka. Let Jax off probation please.

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I swear to God Kristens talking shit to Lauren and she’s just going, “what, what, WHAT,  W H A T, what, what, whattttt” like a damn car alarm. Lmao I’m dead. And I see the same senile makeup artist is still beating that face, cute ma.

Love Arinna and Tom walking up to a war zone like whattttt theeee fuckkkkk. I would’ve just turned right around.

HOLY SHIT HOW DID I FORGET THIS. SCHWARTZ. TOM FUCKIN SCHWARTZ EITHER STAND TF UP FOR YOUR WIFE OR DO NOT SAY ANYTHING. WHY IS THAT SO HARD OF CONCEPT FOR HIM TO GRASP. JUST DON’T SAY ANYTHING UNTIL YOU GET HOME IF YOU DON’T AGREE!! Jesus Christ this a united front, have her fucking back.

Lauren and Mole Rat count to 3 and say who they think is the craziest at the table they just destroyed, “1,2,3, Stassi, Scheana’ HA! you inbreeds are not on the same page. Dynamic duo more like dynamic dick heads.

The way James says San-do-val really left me confused for a millisecond I thought he said sand oval, so there’s that. Now he’s coping a plea for his behavior because his parents got a divorce……

Yup, moment of silence for that because I don’t know how old he is but I know he’s over 21 and he’s crying over the divorce of his parents that is happening IN HIS ADULT LIFE. Am I missing something? grow tf up…..he is sobbinggggggggg-  even Sandoval is uncomfortable which speaks VOLUMES, this is just sensational, give him an Emmy, loss for words…

Oooooh, Lauren is sleeping with someones husband, baby girl, close ya legs to married men.  CLOSE YA LEGS TO MARRIED MEN! & pull it together no crying at the party.

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Cut to Kristen throwing up her middle fingers like gang signs.

I like Katie & Lisa together. She’s now Lisa’s assistant which I would totally quit my job in a heartbeat for. I love Lisa please get rid of james are you kidding me, gross. Why does he hate Stassi so much lol? And why tf is Lala so mad at Katie? Bitch bounce, girl bang, exit stage left, dismissed, sit on old dick.

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We end with James explaining himself to Lisa. Thanks for not pretending to buy it. He’s disgusting and we can all agree he is here because he is a pretty good villain. But don’t get it twisted sweetie, you’re not even Kelly Dodd polarizing you’re just so embarrisingly embarrising that it’s funny. So, you’re a joke in laymans terms.

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I’m not lala-intolerant yet but she’s def the Kylie Jenner of the group. Last year she started reading books, this year maybe she’ll start realizing things. Let’s all hope.

Actually scratch that, Scheana’s Kylie with those blue contacts in her green screen girlllllll I didn’t touch on it but I did not forget.

 

 

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